Divorce and Blending Families

My Story With Blended Families:

As of today both my parents are remarried and have blended the family with more kids and stepparents. When my parents were married they had four kids: two boys and two girls. My parents divorced and about 6-7 years later my mom remarried, bringing three more children into the family: two boys and one girl. My father just recently remarried and this brought two more boys into our family. This gives me a mother, father, stepfather, stepmother, two brothers, one sister, four stepbrothers and one stepsister. This makes for a huge family. When I was younger is was very hard to bring in another family to join mine. I did not care for this, and would not respect my step dad and wanted nothing to do with him. I even used the "you are not my father, I don't have to listen to you" statement on more than one occasion. I even distanced myself from him and the family and stayed with my biological father full time. The older I got, the more I realized nothing was changing between my stepdad and mother, so I forced myself to became a lot closer to my stepfather and his two boys which really helped me accept. It may have been forced at first but today I am honestly best friends with my stepdad and am beyond blessed he is in my life. My stepdad and stepbrothers and I all share a lot of the same interests and hobbies. My stepsister and I talk but we are not as close. It was very easy for me when my father got married due to my age and really knowing his wife prior to the wedding and both her boys. Her oldest son and I hang out along with our significant others up in Appleton since we all live near each other. I am happy and content today with whom is all part of my family and it helped me gain such special people in my life.

What I Know About Blending Families:

From growing up with divorced parents and blending my family more than once, I know how stressful this can be. If a child does not like the stepparent and or the step siblings this can result in a uncomfortable stressful environment. Also, it becomes stressful for the parents to interact and try to find similarity in their parenting styles. It can be difficult to try and parent a kid that has gone through life with different parenting views to start obeying other parenting views.  This can cause a lot of stress and conflict on the parent’s marriage.

With changes in family structure such as divorce, single parenting or remarriage, a question many struggle with is how this can affect children. Any family form that differs from the traditional two-parent, biological family is assumed to place children at risk. These changes require some adjustment time. It is inaccurate to assume that stepchildren have more problems than other children because of parental remarriage.

What Research Shows:

According to Clarke-Stewart, A., & Brentano, C. (2006), The presence of children at the time of remarriage is associated with slightly increased risk of divorce. Stepfamily members are said to get to know each other and clarify their roles and relationships. The resulting uncertainties and stresses pose a risk for destabilizing the new marital relationship. In the first marriage the most frequent source of conflict is money, in the second marriages the most common source of conflict is children. Stepparents and parents fight about how the children should be disciplined, how family resources should be distributed, and how each parent gets along with the others children (Clarke-Stewart, A., & Brentano, C., 2006).

There are years of research studies that have examined the effects of remarriage on children, typically comparing them to children in other family structures. This has shown that adjustment and the well-being has been classified by self-esteem, stress or anxiety, academic achievement, behavior problems, social relations, and attitudes toward marriage and family life (Schrodt, P., & Braithwaite, D. O.,2011).

Studies have found children in stepfamilies to be less well adjusted than children in other families and other studies find no such differences (Schrodt, P., & Braithwaite, D. O.,2011). Some studies suggest that children of divorce and remarriage are at greater risk for academic difficulties when compared to children from intact, first-married families. Other studies, however, suggest that children of divorced, single-parent households are at greatest risk with no differences found between children in stepfamilies and those in first-marriage families (Schrodt, P., & Braithwaite, D. O.,2011).

Gender Factors 

Gender of child is another factor affecting outcome. Some evidence suggests that girls have more adjustment problems in stepfamilies than do boys (Schrodt, P., & Braithwaite, D. O.,2011). Girls in stepfamilies typically report more stress than girls in not divorced families and boys in stepfamilies. Higher stress may lead to adjustment difficulties such as poor academic performance and problem behaviors. It has been shown that parents tend to report an increase in negative behaviors in daughters following remarriage and a decrease in sons. This is often explained by the close mother-daughter relationships formed prior to the remarriage and the perceived threat to that relationship by the addition of a stepfather (Schrodt, P., & Braithwaite, D. O.,2011).

Advice

 Before You Consider Dating Again.

Advice on Blending Families

References: 

Clarke-Stewart, A., & Brentano, C. (2006). Divorce : Causes and Consequences. New Haven, CT, USA: Yale University Press. Retrieved from http://www.ebrary.com.ac.ezproxy.switchinc.org

Schrodt, P., & Braithwaite, D. O. (2011). Coparental communication, relational satisfaction, and mental health in stepfamilies. Personal Relationships, 18(3), 352-369. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01295.x

The Impact Divorce Has on Children

Have You Come From, or Do You Know Someone From a Divorced Family?

Divorce is a very stressful time for everyone within the family. Divorce introduces a massive lifetime change for children, no matter what age. Witnessing the loss of the love seen between parents, having parents break their marriage commitments, adjusting to going back and forth between two different households, and the daily absence of one of the parents while living with the other. This all creates a challenging new family circumstance in a child’s life. All children are going to respond differently to this painful turn of events. This is also going to affect each child differently depending whether they are still in childhood or has entered adolescence. Divorce tends to intensify the child’s dependence and accelerates the adolescences independence, which results in a more regressive response in child and more aggressive in adolescence (Woltmann, 1954).

The Impact Divorce Has on Children:            

According to this study from Mustonen (2011) article Long-Term Impact of Parental Divorce on Intimate Relationship Quality in Adulthood and the Mediating Role of Psychosocial Resources, results were shown that women and men from divorced families were often divorced or separated by the age of 32, compared to those from a not divorced families. Also the association with poorer intimate relationship quality was viewed among women and looked at parental divorce. Women from divorced families also had poorer relationships with their parents in adolescence years. It was also shown that they had lower self-esteem and satisfaction with social support in adulthood than women from a more intact family structure. 

A Letter to Parents on How Children Actually Feel During Divorce:

According to Woltmann (1954) It was stated that about 350,000 couples were divorced last year in the United States. There are approximately about 13 million children of divorce under 18 years of age in the US today. It has been estimated that 300,000 children will be added to this number per year. 

Better Ways to Look at Divorce, With Support! 

Divorce is not always a bad thing for children in the long run once they are stable. In the beginning it’s going to be hard of everyone. This is just like any stressful change in anyone’s life. Down the road when children really understand their parents, they will be able to understand why it didn't work. Within this time, it is important that parents are able to help guide the child to help them cope and talk about their feelings, and knowing that their parents love them. Its going to be up to the parents to force themselves to get along and be positive in front of the children. Also, to talk with the other parent to form a schedule and who the child will be living with. If the child is old enough to make their own decision ask the child so they have a say in where they stay more often. It may also help to try to make it 50/50 so the child sees each parent the same amount of time. This will help children transition better and hopefully be able to settle in easier with the adjustments.

My Story:

When I was 6 my parents got a divorce and this was extremely hard on my three siblings and me. It took many months to years to finally feel settled in at both places. My father was living in an apartment and then bought a house. My father made the effort of bringing us kids with to the house showing to get our input so it felt like home to us as well. Throughout the years, especially when us kids were younger both my parents got along, stayed in contact and communicated well about us kids for our sake. This definitely helped out a lot with the support and emotions that went on amongst us. This made big life events easier such as graduations, birthday parties and communions to have both parents their and then both at the celebration afterwards.

References: 

Mustonen, U., Huurre, T., Kiviruusu, O., Haukkala, A., & Aro, H. (2011). Long-term impact of parental divorce on intimate relationship quality in adulthood and the mediating role of psychosocial resources. Journal Of Family Psychology, 25(4), 615-619. doi:10.1037/a0023996

Woltmann, A. G. (1954). Review of Children of divorce. American Journal Of Orthopsychiatry, 24(4), 841-842. doi:10.1037/h0097519